Well, it’s another Friday, and a brand new year, so I thought I’d kick 2009 off with a bang, with another weekly edition of “Top 10 by Trouble Ticket” This week we’ve got a real party crasher, as we review the top ten WORST board games ever made. These games each deserve their own special mention, as being either too pointless to be worth playing, way to absorbed in whatever was the popular culture at the time they were made, or so damned annoying, that the very mention of their name sends chills down my spine. So, here they are, the top ten WORST board games ever created.

10) Deal or No Deal – Presman Toys

- First off, I’d like to say I’m a fan of the show. I’ve always liked the comedy of Howie Mandel, and the show has just the right amount of drama to stupidity ratio that I’ve come to enjoy. It’s one of the few reality/game shows that I can watch without wanting to put a ballpoint through my kneecap. That being said, the key to the show is 1) Randomly pick 24 cases in hopes of winning a million bucks or taking a high offer from “the bank”, and 2) Use dramatic pauses to lengthen this process as much as possible, in order to plug more commercials into the one hour time slot. The game captures neither of these traits. You basically just push buttons like a lab monkey for roughly two minutes until you’ve guessed as many cases as you’re allocated, have no cash prize to show for it, and almost always say “See, if I were on that show I’d have done better than that dude that was on there last week..” as if practicing at home will somehow make you a master of random number generation.

09) Ghettopoly – David Chang

- Now I wouldn’t normally think to include a Monopoly knockoff in this list, since there are so many, but Ghettopoly just breaks all the rules and forces me to add it to the pile. Invented by David Chang, Ghettopoly is a modern day, urban retelling of the classic game Monopoly. Inside, you’ll find that railroads are now replaced by liquor stores, and once prized areas like boardwalk, park place, and Marvin gardens are how home to a pawn shop, peep show, and massage parlour, respectively. Community Chest and Chance are things of the past, now thriving under the monikers of Ghetto Stash and Hustle. Finally, symbolic icons like the top hat and town car are now the Tommy gun, and weed, or a Colt 45 malt liquor beverage. This game was released and marketed by Urban Outfitters, a store which exists to let the caucasian youth of America get in touch with their non existent African American roots, so naturally, they found no harm or racism in this simple game of chance and skill. The NAACP however, did, along with Hasbro, who slapped them with a lawsuit in 2003 for it’s similarities to Monopoly, amongst other things. Urban Outfitters quickly dropped the sale of the game, and Chang’s counterclaim to have the Monopoly trademark taken from Hasbro was quickly dismissed, along with most of Chang’s profits from the sale of the game.

08) The Game of Life – Milton Bradley

- This lump of coal in a mountain of trash made the list out of it’s sheer boredom and failure to provide entertainment to children all over America. Essentially this game is about the choices we make, and how they lead us to ending up as a fry cook at a popular fast food franchise. You move your pieces across the board, making decisions as you go regarding college, kids, insurance, cars, etc. and those choices have almost no importance on the outcome of the game, as the luck cards, which are completely random, pretty much make or break the outcome. I don’t know about you, but when I was seven, I wanted to be Cyclops from the X-Men. I didn’t want to readjust my mortgage payment.

07) Mall Madness – Milton Bradley

- Mall Madness was another in a long line of trendy games that tried to use popular modern culture to make the world a better place for bored twelve year old girls, not yet old enough to date at a REAL mall, but too old for entry number eight in our list. The basic premise to mall madness is simple, you’re given an ATM card (awesome idea Milton Bradley) and you have to spend the next hour finding sales on five of the six items on your list, such as clothes, purses, and of course, shoes. Periodically you’ll have to take your valley girl game piece to the hot pink ATM for sage advice on how to help further Capitalism. “Like OMG!” Is not an uncommon phrase to hear uttered in this winner.

06) Scrabble – Hasbro Toys

- Alright, I’ll get a lot of heat for this one, but let’s face facts here, for the 85 percent of us that aren’t Rocket Scientists or English teachers, Scrabble is a hard game. It might be fun AND addicting on Facebook, where spelling the word Pizza to beat your stoner opponent at two in the morning is an accomplishment, but the real, hardcore, balsa wood and blood version of the game is no joke. If you’re ever in a room and some one’s mom whips out this puppy, head for the hills, or light her curtains on fire, because either one of those solutions will be better than getting your ass handed to you by xylophone, or phlegm on a triple word score.

05) Yahtzee – Hasbro, by way of Milton Bradley

- Nothing says underage gambling like a shiny plastic cup full of dice. This little gem, which hides it’s inner evil under the guise of a mathematics and education based form of entertainment, exists solely to help young children lose their lunch money to Teddie, the kid that got held back a year or two. You roll dice to achieve high scores, and as if that wasn’t a bad enough accessory to gambling, all the scores are based on poker hands. Now don’t get me wrong, I loved this game, but I’m also a gambler, so it’s alright….or is it. Maybe Yahtzee made me the man I am today, and that’s not a good thing.

04) Jenga – Hasbro

- I added this game to the list for two simple reasons. First, the purpose of the game is to build a beautiful architectural structure, then try your best to demolish it with the least amount of collateral damage. Second, once you get to college, you learn that you can write dirty stuff on the bottom of the Jenga blocks and a whole new party game is invented, and that’s why I graduated with such a mediocre G.P.A. Also, aside from the badass party game you can make from a Jenga set, there are no other good stories to tell. Even the wikipedia article makes Jenga look less interesting than Broccoli.

03) Operation – Milton Bradley

- We’re getting close to the number one root of all evil in the world of cardboard and plastic entertainment, so before we hit the top, I thought I would introduce a little electricity into the lineup. Operation was made in the 60’s and quickly became one of the fastest selling home electrocution kits on the market. The point to the game is simple. You hook a giant “D” battery up to some tweezers, and then try to remove tiny pieces of plastic from their metal lined compartments, spread across the image of a human body. Aside from being an obvious influence on the “SAW” film series, you just have to wonder what the point is to a game like this. Over the years it got rebranded with popular televison characters from The Hulk to Homer Simpson. You can usually find one of these cheap at your local flea market, but beware…..After a few years these puppies tend to misalign a little voltage here and there.

02) Twister – Hasbro

- Ahhh, so close, yet so far from the number one spot. Twister was a neat little gem coined up in the late 60’s that immediately rose to worldwide popularity, almost replacing the Hula Hoop. Now this had potential to just be nice and innocent. When played by children, it’s sweet and funny and all too angelic. However, those little bastards soon turn into teenagers, and just like their 70’s swinger parents before them, the game turns into an orgy producing nude fest where left hand green becomes left hand boob, and…well, you get the idea. Seriously, twister has gotten almost as many people laid as Barry Manilow. Which is why, because it was meant to be a simple kids game, that gives it the number two spot on my list.

01) Moment of Truth

- Alright, so here’s the skinny. A couple of years ago Fox, the MOST evil company involved with television, thought it would be just awesome to take a couple, strap one of them into a lie detector chair, and ask them shit that would get them divorced in a heartbeat. The ratings skyrocketed, along with the divorce rate, as predicted. Now things began to settle on the moment of truth studio lot, so Fox decided to do a little bit of outsourcing, and invented the Moment of Truth home game. This spawn of Satan contains everything you need to lose friends and alienate people. It’s got cards, a board, and oh, yeah, a voice stress lie detector. Now if it wasn’t bad enough that they include a lie detector, how many adults, young or old, do you know that can operate one? Essentially you play this game, get asked way to personal questions, then lie, possibly getting called on it if the thing beeps. Or you tell the truth, with the same results. It’s like a version of Russian Roulette that won’t get you killed, but you might lose half your stuff. Moment of Truth home game, we here at Trouble Ticket salute you. Your evil game has landed you the top spot. BRAVO!

So that’s it, join us next Friday when Rob gives us the top ten most anticipated movies of 2009.

~Chuck